I was sitting numb. The ring on the desk in front of me laughed at me.
I was in dismay by the sudden turn of events. The ring. The letter. The title.
All of this brought me back into the shell I tried to escape from. The voice inside me spoke quietly.
I tried, twice.
It doesn’t count.
But I want to break free.
This is your home. Your place.
The dilemma of opening that letter, the one posted today in mail and saving my marriage was incredibly large.
The ring mocked me while the letter smirked, so I put the ring aside and opened that letter. Something about messages from your past is that you know what is it about but you don’t know how is it written.
The girl you wished for realized it was you, You. Do you remember that draft you sent? That draft titled, As you wish?
I read it, again and over again. The only thing that didn’t fit was the quote.-“
I rummaged through my entries, the old ones, the so called forgotten ones. The draft lay opened, the word document contained old things, the years I left behind.
My first incomplete story, my only incomplete story.
“-I tried to understand it but I couldn’t. It said, Sometimes love can’t justify wishes. Whose wishes were you talking about? Why can’t love justify wishes? Why couldn’t you just talk to me? Why did it have to end at an e-mail?
These questions bugged me everyday. I couldn’t fathom the reason you left. I couldn’t-“
I fear that it is not the same between us now. The words don’t mean, the poems don’t rhyme, the voices aren’t heard now, the songs aren’t felt anymore. I try to capture the essence of our relationship in subtle hints but they just fall off. You never noticed the small texts, the important gestures.
“Did you eat?” “Are you cold?” “Should I hold you?” “You look beautiful today.”
I’m sorry, I’m an introvert but for me to pick up such pace is difficult. You said I never talk, I never share? I tried to, you didn’t listen. I guess what you didn’t know is,
“-see beyond the mask you wore. And it wasn’t enough. I loved you for what you were. I have missed your eyes, the ones saying I know, the ones saying I care, the ones saying you are cute. I have missed your forehead kisses before sleep. I have missed your hands cupping my cheeks, your smiles that made me proud. The only thing that was my solace was your stories, every one on your blog.. Every story in these 4 years. Every-“
I love you. And not the perfection you show but the mess you hide. I remember you giving my hair a tousle. I remember you slurping the coffee twice before every sip. I remember you sneezing and giggling. I remember you curling up in my lap.
You are an amazing woman. A person who can attain world peace by just biting your lower lip. I don’t express much of this but I write about you, in my stories as my own, as my muse, as my art.
“-one that said I missed you too.
I know you have a fiance, I was shattered but I couldn’t let you go without knowing that those stories are for her, not for me. I don’t see why we had to end on such terms but it’s been 4 years and the past that we left will now be our new starting.
your heart leaps for ambitions, for muses you have yet to find. I wish to be a part of all your advances but if I’m the problem, I would let you be alone, As you wish to be.
Your wish to be happy.
I would do anything to make that true..
So do as you wish, I’ll be wishing too.
“-you still want me to have what I wish.
I wish to make my wish same as yours.
I will be waiting for your reply.
Your wish from 4 years ago…”
I watched the letter. I knew who my wish was, the wish from 4 years ago found a way back. I was sitting motionless until my laptop screen turned black. I turned my gaze to the letter and then to the draft, as if exchanging glances with my past.
I put the ring inside my breast pocket and opened the word document, that old document and renamed it,
As we wished ;
and started completing my story…